Um, yeah

You know what's fun about the holiday season? Being released early with no warning, where everyone else leaves immediately but I still have too much shit to do to leave. And I can't put it off till Tuesday when the office is open again, because people will be back from vacation and expecting things on their desks from me. Awesome.

Hey, people, maybe I manage my time. Maybe I plan to spend the afternoon doing things. Maybe if we're closing early you could tell us all at, say, 9am, and then I would maybe do something like skip lunch to get my work done.

Thanks for nothing, I'll be here till normal time you bastards.

Happy new year.

Fucking rude

Guess what's the most annoying thing about covering reception? See below.

You know what? You can wait till I fucking finish greeting you when I answer the phone before you announce in a condescending way who it is you'd like to talk to. I don't care how big a bug or stick you have shoved up your anus, you can FUCKING BE POLITE.

Why do people like this get by in the world? It is not beneath you to speak with the receptionist. In fact, if you had any fucking brains in your head, you would realize that maybe the best thing to do is to be POLITE, even EXCEEDINGLY POLITE to the receptionist. Because if she doesn't put you through, you're not speaking to anyone, you fucking ass.

As evidenced by a friend of mine who was treated so rudely she stopped putting a particular caller through. He never ever got to talk to who he wanted again. Oops, ass-face. He was a vendor too - his money came from that company. How stupid are people? Answer: Pretty fucking goddamn stupid.

Email

To quote Y, holy of holies.

Can someone please address the fact that our email database should not be constantly crashing? Can we please address the fact that we're not a two-bit operation, but an actual "real" company, and we should probably, you know, have working technology?

Can we talk about the fact that people shouldn't be "archiving" their email to their local hard drives when those machines are not backed up? I mean seriously, people. Can we have this discussion?

For God's sake.

Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining

Well that post title might un-anonymize me if some people who know me see it, but it's so perfect it has to be used.

Marriott hotel reservationist - can you please not tell me that something that I have done literally 20 times or so is not possible and insinuate that it never has been? I am not an idiot, but apparently you are.

Every other time I have called your hotel in the last year to make a reservation for my boss, they have easily pulled up is information as he stays in your hotel frequently, and have been able to access his rewards number and his credit card.

Why is it that today this is something that the reservation department apparently has no access to? They don't "save it that way". Yes, of course, why would the reservation department have access to prior reservations? That makes no sense at all.

Let people do their jobs!

Oh my God. Could CEOs and Presidents and Boards of Directors and Owners and whomever else is running companies out there please please let the people that are working for them do their jobs?

Could they please trust their senior management to make decisions without micromanaging everything to death?

Could they please let their managers in multi-million dollar corporations spend a couple thousand dollars?

oh my fucking God.

Unrelated to work, but...

You know what's awesome? Going back on The Pill after being off of it for a year or so, and getting that fun "morning sickness" at the beginning of the process since the hormones fuck you up and make your body think it's pregnant.

Yeah, I'm not into the morning sickness, thank you very much. SIGH.

MYOB!

Oh my God, sometimes it's just none of your business, Gossip Monger! I am not obligated to answer personal questions about my boss and his family! But worse, I can't believe you feel entitled to stand there and ask, and to hover when you don't think I gave you enough info (because I didn't really give you any).

Really, what's wrong with you? I'd like to know. So I can avoid it myself.

Don't give me that look

Please do not look at me like that.

I am so sorry for you that it is an inconvenient time for me to be standing over the copier making roughly 60 million copies. What a terrible tragedy. It is a shame that you might have to:

a. Wait ten minutes
b. Walk 50 feet to the other copier

Really, it's too bad.

But let me assure you that I am not doing it to spite you or as some sort of sick plan to convince you to never use the copier again. And I am certainly not doing it out of sheer delight.

So, if you give me that look again, I don't think I'll be responsible for my actions. Are we clear?

Try putting the shoe on the other foot for 2 seconds, genius

Someone in the office just told me that they heard there was some software that lets you convert pdf files into something that you can edit in Word. They were all excited about it.

First of all, I don't know if I believe this.

But secondly, is it really possible that you're so short-sighted that you are happy this exists now because it could be useful to you in a particular circumstance, while being oblivious to the fact that we use pdf files all the time when we want to send out documents that people can't edit? And therefore it would actually be a problem for us if this were true?

DUH.

Guess how many is too many?

Hey, crazy cubicle neighbor. Guess how many times is too many times to hear you talk about "Question X" on the ballot tomorrow?

Well, let's see... I've heard you talk about it 3 times so far, so that's 3 times too many.

Getting the picture?

Please try to control yourself. Nobody is interested in your opinion. I PROMISE.

Oh my God please don't talk politics at work

Really, don't we all know this by now? I mean if you have a good friend at work I guess, sure. But randomly questioning people about "how are you going to vote on question X?" NOT APPROPRIATE!

Yes, I'm talking to you, printer nazi.

I briefly considered jamming pens in my ears (as has previously been alluded to) so I wouldn't have to hear your conversation. Thankfully it was mercifully short.

But honestly, nobody needed to hear it.

I think my brain was bleeding a little bit after.

On business

Meaning busy-ness, not business as in "I'm a Business major".

Anyway, work has been super crazy lately, so sorry to be neglecting this blog. There's a big project finishing up or getting close to it, and everyone's been nuts. The good part is, I've been working more exclusively with my boss and another couple of people that are good to work with. The downside is I feel like I'm running from one thing to another constantly. It's not really that bad but I feel beat at the end of the day.

As soon as I have something else to bitch about, I'm sure it will be right here in a heartbeat. :)

No, you can't edit a pdf

Well, technically, someone can. But you, my cubicle neighbor, cannot get a pdf from someone in an email and, say, open it in Word and edit it.

You may remember that this is the 137th time that I have answered this question for you. And you may notice that it's the same answer.

Interesting. Perhaps you can draw a conclusion from this.

Oh no you DIDN'T

I know I did not just hear you, little old biddy, say to your friend, little old biddy #2, "well, it's almost time for 3-hour lunch" about me.

Oh my god, old lady heads are going to roll today.

#1. I don't take 3 hour lunches you stupid old hag, I take a 1 hour lunch. This is AFTER I cover for someone else's 1 hour lunch. 1 hour + 1 hour = 2 hours. However, you'll notice that for the first hour I am sitting at reception doing work, not out having a martini with my pals.

#2. Oh my God it's none of your fucking business anyway! I'm here longer than you every day! I do about 100 times more things than you! You do half of a job and complain about how busy you are all the time, you and old biddy #2. You are clearly both FUCKING INSANE. I know you have nothing better to do with your time but for the love of all that is decent try to keep your fucking mouth SHUT.

The hell of cubicle life

You know what's really annoying? Overhearing conversations from everyone around you. You know what's actually almost painful? When those conversations are so misinformed or ignorant or gossipy that you wish you could really have the courage to pick up the nearest 2 pens and jam them far enough into your ears to rupture your eardrums.

The current topic of conversation? The small plane that just crashed into a high-rise on the upper east side of NYC. Speculation abounds.

Keep the pens away from me people.

Nobody cares who you're related to!

Oh my God, nobody cares what musician you're somewhat distantly related to. It doesn't make you cooler. In fact, it makes said musician a little less cool. But I'll try not to hold her accountable. She can't help who her parents are.

For pete's sake, stop talking about it.

"Your Printer" does not have feelings

Hi, Printer Nazi. I've had some things to say to you before.

When I am frustrated by the shitty communication between my computer and "your" printer (which is, in fact, not yours at all), and I make a comment about how the shitty fucking printer should do what I told it to do on two separate fucking configuration screens and actually print from the fucking manual tray like I fucking told it to, and I say, "God, this printer is making me crazy!"

You don't need to say, "My sweet printer?" in all manner of seriousness, as if I have insulted one of your fucking sainted children or your angel grandchildren.

It's a fucking printer. A fucking printer. And it is not, in fact, doing what it's supposed to be.

So shut your mouth for the love of Pete.

TGIM

Thank God for long weekends. Now the sad part is, time to go to bed and get up and go to work tomorrow.

Time for a new server, kids

Please, someone acknowledge that it is not OK to have a 5+ year old server with a 60GB hard drive as our only server with all our data including email and every database and file we have.

Oh My God Can We Please Have a Server With a Bigger Hard Drive Than My Personal Laptop?

Then we could stop doing things like periodically "cleaning out" folders because we're so desperate for space that our entire system will crash if we don't scour the server for every spare bit.

I guess this is what happens when nobody is in charge of IT and you don't even listen to the consultant who comes in part time.

SIGH. I seriously hope none of the files on the network are important to you. Because You might just lose every fucking one. And unfortunately for you, you will then only have 2 weeks of backup. Oops. More brilliant planning.

Printer nazi strikes again

Oh my God if you tell me one more time that "next time" I have a long document to print, "do you know what you should do? print it to the high-speed printer" on the other side of the office, I think I might punch you in the fucking face.

Um, here's an idea - you can wait 3 fucking minutes while my document prints out. Or, heaven forbid, if it's that fucking crucial, you could actually print to another printer. The printer near your desk is networked, it's for everyone to use, and it's not your personal printer. If you don't like that I guess you can go torment someone by telling them some story about your godawful family until they are so bored or stupified that they buy you your own printer.

But don't give me this speech one more time, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Oh my God nobody cares about your stupid stories

No one cares about how their anniversary compares in number of years to that of your children's marriages, or how old they are compared to your children, or how many children they have compared to your children, or any other miscellaneous thoughts you might have related to your children and them.

No one.

I promise.

Please, please, stop telling us.

It's not your concern

To the person who is a printer nazi in my office. You are actually a nazi of everything. Why are you so hyper-concerned with things that, well, don't concern you?

You seem very anxious about how many electronic files are in a particular folder on the network. Why? Are they in your way? Is your file there? Great, then you're all set. You don't need to worry about it. You're not the IT Director. It's not your concern.

I had to walk away from my desk very quickly just now when I heard you mumbling to yourself about this because I just couldn't bear to listen to it for the 20th time.

You really need to find more work to do apparently.

The need to be pleasant

I sometimes feel like the need to always be pleasant at work, or at least in most situations at work, leeches too much of my inherent friendliness and helpfullness out of me so that at times at home I sit around like a lump or am grumpy and jerky.

So, sorry to anyone who has to put up with that. It's not always my fault. Sometimes there's no nice left.

Take the mailbox key and shove it all the way up your ass!

I can't stand people's helplessness. I am supposed to get the mail. The mail key, however, sits out on a counter where anyone can get it. The mail is delivered to a box on the first floor which is a short walk from the elevator, which is right outside our lobby door.

Therefore, I cannot tolerate it when I am busy and haven't had a chance to get, or even have forgotten to get the mail, and someone comes by after checking their mailbox forlornly and says, "No mail yet?" which, knowing this particular person, is code for, "Can't you stop painting your nails and get the mail?" (Notice to the oblivious - I'm not really painting my nails.)

If you want the mail so fucking badly walk your fucking lazy ridiculous ass ten feet and get it yourself! And while you're at it go fuck yourself!

Oh my God I'm busy stop asking me about dumb shit

Seriously, do you not see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off? Do you not know that my boss is also your boss and therefore the work I'm doing for him outranks yours? Do you not understand that however important your petty crap is to you he doesn't give a shit and I, therefore, do not give a shit when he has me doing stuff for him?

OK, just checking. Because I think we have a basic misunderstanding here.

You might want to sit down and think about it for a while. Get back to me when you have it all figured out.

Printer nazi

Hey, printer nazi - settle down.

Is there some reason that every print job I send to the printer is either handed to me by you as if it is cluttering up "your" printer before I even have time to walk over and get it myself OR you carry it off with whatever you just printed, never to be realized or returned?

Can you please calm the fuck down? Why is it that I, and most other normal, well-adjusted human beings, are perfectly capable of picking up our own print jobs and ignoring other people's?

Maybe you need to take a class.

Boring

If there is one thing more boring than filing actual files in the real world, it would be moving around files on the network.

I never wanted to be a coffee addict more in my life. I could really use some caffeine I think, before I wind up drooling on my keyboard.

You're wrong

Contrary to your belief, however strongly you may hold it, fellow office worker, it is possible for me to be correct and for you to be incorrect.

The chances of this improve dramatically after I ask my boss, who is also your boss, and he confirms that I am correct. Therefore, please, after I have gone through the trouble to do this, just believe me and move on with your life. It will make everything easier.

Plus, I won't have to waste all my energy sending hate your way.

I hate Verizon.

Verizon, could you please try to keep your appointments, or at least come within an hour or two of making them?

For instance, when you give me a window of 8:30am - noon when you will be somewhere to set up a phone line, could you please not show up at 5pm?

Really, could you suck any more? And when I call you about this for the tenth time could you please not have the most annoying voice prompt system in the universe? Like one that keeps asking me for the number I'm calling about when I don't have a number yet because you didn't install the phone line?

And then when your idiot service tech gets on the phone could I please not have this conversation?:

Tech: "Can I please have the number you're calling about?"
Me: "I don't have a phone number, I have an order number because you haven't installed the line yet."
Tech: (condescendingly) "Well the phone number is generated at the time of the order, they must not have given it to you. Give me the order number."

OK, they gave me a phone number but they also told me there's no guaranty this will be the number until the line is actually installed and operating. So why would I save it? And what is the purpose of giving me an order number when you always ask me for the phone number?

And why do you suck so fucking much?

I told you to leave the fax alone.

Didn't I just tell you that yesterday? Yes, I think I did.

If you're too much of a fucking spaz to wait till I distribute the faxes, at least don't fuck everybody else's up.

Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you?

Leave the fucking fax alone

When you come to the fax machine to check for a fax you're expecting, can you please put the faxes that have gathered there neatly back in the tray? Instead of turning them sideways and shoving them back in all crazy so they get messed up/bent, and possibly fall?

Or, heaven forbid, you could actually hand them to the people they belong to. But I know that's my job really, so don't trouble yourself. Just please try to be respectful of other people's things by not being annoying as fuck.

Thank you.

Don't put your crap on my chair

Just don't do it. It's annoying because now I have to move it before I sit down. If you put it on my nice clean desk, I will see it. Do you see how I cleaned my desk? Yes? OK. Then I will probably see your crap if you put it there because there's nothing else on the desk, correct?

Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Filing Hell

I fucking hate filing.

Hate hate hate hate hate it. With the intensity of a thousand suns.

Anybody else?

No human being should have to do this. Can someone please invent a filing robot?

Alternate reality

My cube neighbor regularly complains if I make more than one 5-minute personal phone call a day, claiming I am "loud and disruptive" (by the way, this is completely false and I really am talking about 5-minute phone conversations).

Meanwhile she makes about 8 a day. I feel like bugging her phone.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously.

First complaint

So someone just asked me if I thought my boss would mind her borrowing something (he's out of town today), and I said, "No."

Then she said, "I'll get his permission."

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK ME?

The Fake Me

This is Ms. Moneypenny from the Bond movies. She will be my photogenic representation on this blog. :)

Um, OK, I already have a complaint, though it's not about my job. Blogger kind of really sucks at updating and uploading stuff. I'll give it a chance but maybe they need to work on their bandwidth or something. I haven't been able to set this picture as my blogger picture after like 8 tries.

And so it begins...

This blog is a place where I can be anonymous because I'm also non-anonymously online and sometimes I can't talk about certain things completely freely.

Mostly, it is probably a place for me to complain about work because I really can't do that someplace that has my name plastered all over it.

I'm going to try to keep crucial details out of here so as to remain anonymous but if you happen across this and think you know who I am, please don't "out" me.

Thanks.

I'm sure I'll have something to complain about soon enough.