Oh My God Can We Please Have a Server With a Bigger Hard Drive Than My Personal Laptop?

Then we could stop doing things like periodically "cleaning out" folders because we're so desperate for space that our entire system will crash if we don't scour the server for every spare bit.

I guess this is what happens when nobody is in charge of IT and you don't even listen to the consultant who comes in part time.

SIGH. I seriously hope none of the files on the network are important to you. Because You might just lose every fucking one. And unfortunately for you, you will then only have 2 weeks of backup. Oops. More brilliant planning.

Printer nazi strikes again

Oh my God if you tell me one more time that "next time" I have a long document to print, "do you know what you should do? print it to the high-speed printer" on the other side of the office, I think I might punch you in the fucking face.

Um, here's an idea - you can wait 3 fucking minutes while my document prints out. Or, heaven forbid, if it's that fucking crucial, you could actually print to another printer. The printer near your desk is networked, it's for everyone to use, and it's not your personal printer. If you don't like that I guess you can go torment someone by telling them some story about your godawful family until they are so bored or stupified that they buy you your own printer.

But don't give me this speech one more time, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Oh my God nobody cares about your stupid stories

No one cares about how their anniversary compares in number of years to that of your children's marriages, or how old they are compared to your children, or how many children they have compared to your children, or any other miscellaneous thoughts you might have related to your children and them.

No one.

I promise.

Please, please, stop telling us.

It's not your concern

To the person who is a printer nazi in my office. You are actually a nazi of everything. Why are you so hyper-concerned with things that, well, don't concern you?

You seem very anxious about how many electronic files are in a particular folder on the network. Why? Are they in your way? Is your file there? Great, then you're all set. You don't need to worry about it. You're not the IT Director. It's not your concern.

I had to walk away from my desk very quickly just now when I heard you mumbling to yourself about this because I just couldn't bear to listen to it for the 20th time.

You really need to find more work to do apparently.

The need to be pleasant

I sometimes feel like the need to always be pleasant at work, or at least in most situations at work, leeches too much of my inherent friendliness and helpfullness out of me so that at times at home I sit around like a lump or am grumpy and jerky.

So, sorry to anyone who has to put up with that. It's not always my fault. Sometimes there's no nice left.

Take the mailbox key and shove it all the way up your ass!

I can't stand people's helplessness. I am supposed to get the mail. The mail key, however, sits out on a counter where anyone can get it. The mail is delivered to a box on the first floor which is a short walk from the elevator, which is right outside our lobby door.

Therefore, I cannot tolerate it when I am busy and haven't had a chance to get, or even have forgotten to get the mail, and someone comes by after checking their mailbox forlornly and says, "No mail yet?" which, knowing this particular person, is code for, "Can't you stop painting your nails and get the mail?" (Notice to the oblivious - I'm not really painting my nails.)

If you want the mail so fucking badly walk your fucking lazy ridiculous ass ten feet and get it yourself! And while you're at it go fuck yourself!

Oh my God I'm busy stop asking me about dumb shit

Seriously, do you not see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off? Do you not know that my boss is also your boss and therefore the work I'm doing for him outranks yours? Do you not understand that however important your petty crap is to you he doesn't give a shit and I, therefore, do not give a shit when he has me doing stuff for him?

OK, just checking. Because I think we have a basic misunderstanding here.

You might want to sit down and think about it for a while. Get back to me when you have it all figured out.

Printer nazi

Hey, printer nazi - settle down.

Is there some reason that every print job I send to the printer is either handed to me by you as if it is cluttering up "your" printer before I even have time to walk over and get it myself OR you carry it off with whatever you just printed, never to be realized or returned?

Can you please calm the fuck down? Why is it that I, and most other normal, well-adjusted human beings, are perfectly capable of picking up our own print jobs and ignoring other people's?

Maybe you need to take a class.

Boring

If there is one thing more boring than filing actual files in the real world, it would be moving around files on the network.

I never wanted to be a coffee addict more in my life. I could really use some caffeine I think, before I wind up drooling on my keyboard.

You're wrong

Contrary to your belief, however strongly you may hold it, fellow office worker, it is possible for me to be correct and for you to be incorrect.

The chances of this improve dramatically after I ask my boss, who is also your boss, and he confirms that I am correct. Therefore, please, after I have gone through the trouble to do this, just believe me and move on with your life. It will make everything easier.

Plus, I won't have to waste all my energy sending hate your way.

I hate Verizon.

Verizon, could you please try to keep your appointments, or at least come within an hour or two of making them?

For instance, when you give me a window of 8:30am - noon when you will be somewhere to set up a phone line, could you please not show up at 5pm?

Really, could you suck any more? And when I call you about this for the tenth time could you please not have the most annoying voice prompt system in the universe? Like one that keeps asking me for the number I'm calling about when I don't have a number yet because you didn't install the phone line?

And then when your idiot service tech gets on the phone could I please not have this conversation?:

Tech: "Can I please have the number you're calling about?"
Me: "I don't have a phone number, I have an order number because you haven't installed the line yet."
Tech: (condescendingly) "Well the phone number is generated at the time of the order, they must not have given it to you. Give me the order number."

OK, they gave me a phone number but they also told me there's no guaranty this will be the number until the line is actually installed and operating. So why would I save it? And what is the purpose of giving me an order number when you always ask me for the phone number?

And why do you suck so fucking much?

I told you to leave the fax alone.

Didn't I just tell you that yesterday? Yes, I think I did.

If you're too much of a fucking spaz to wait till I distribute the faxes, at least don't fuck everybody else's up.

Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you?

Leave the fucking fax alone

When you come to the fax machine to check for a fax you're expecting, can you please put the faxes that have gathered there neatly back in the tray? Instead of turning them sideways and shoving them back in all crazy so they get messed up/bent, and possibly fall?

Or, heaven forbid, you could actually hand them to the people they belong to. But I know that's my job really, so don't trouble yourself. Just please try to be respectful of other people's things by not being annoying as fuck.

Thank you.

Don't put your crap on my chair

Just don't do it. It's annoying because now I have to move it before I sit down. If you put it on my nice clean desk, I will see it. Do you see how I cleaned my desk? Yes? OK. Then I will probably see your crap if you put it there because there's nothing else on the desk, correct?

Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Filing Hell

I fucking hate filing.

Hate hate hate hate hate it. With the intensity of a thousand suns.

Anybody else?

No human being should have to do this. Can someone please invent a filing robot?

Alternate reality

My cube neighbor regularly complains if I make more than one 5-minute personal phone call a day, claiming I am "loud and disruptive" (by the way, this is completely false and I really am talking about 5-minute phone conversations).

Meanwhile she makes about 8 a day. I feel like bugging her phone.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously.

First complaint

So someone just asked me if I thought my boss would mind her borrowing something (he's out of town today), and I said, "No."

Then she said, "I'll get his permission."

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK ME?

The Fake Me

This is Ms. Moneypenny from the Bond movies. She will be my photogenic representation on this blog. :)

Um, OK, I already have a complaint, though it's not about my job. Blogger kind of really sucks at updating and uploading stuff. I'll give it a chance but maybe they need to work on their bandwidth or something. I haven't been able to set this picture as my blogger picture after like 8 tries.

And so it begins...

This blog is a place where I can be anonymous because I'm also non-anonymously online and sometimes I can't talk about certain things completely freely.

Mostly, it is probably a place for me to complain about work because I really can't do that someplace that has my name plastered all over it.

I'm going to try to keep crucial details out of here so as to remain anonymous but if you happen across this and think you know who I am, please don't "out" me.

Thanks.

I'm sure I'll have something to complain about soon enough.