On "almost throwing up"

This email, which I just sent out in desperation to some of my coworkers, should speak for itself:

I can't take much of anything from anyone today. I just heard Mr. X (one of the owners of the company) being warned that the popcorn back here is unsafe because people were taking popcorn directly from the tin with their hands! Instead of using a paper cup! Apparently N_______ "almost threw up" yesterday watching people eat it.

1. Everyone touches everything in this place with their hands, so let's get real for a minute. If you're that concerned, I hope you're disinfecting everything that you touch and also wearing a germ mask.


2. How much better is using a paper cup, which people touch WITH THEIR HANDS and leave sitting IN THE POPCORN THEREFORE MAKING IT THE SAME AS IF THEY TOUCHED THE POPCORN WITH THEIR HANDS???? Do they think the germs respect the imaginary boundary of the paper cup, staying safely there and away from the popcorn IT'S SITTING IN???????????


3. The "almost threw up" comment is a little much, really. She makes me almost throw up.


4. She is free to not eat the popcorn, but it is unnecessary to make it sound like touching it will give you leprosy or something, and again, to loudly announce that you "almost threw up".

I'm on the verge of actually wearing my headphones at my desk. That is a sad commentary for 11:29 in the morning.

Awesomeness Abounds

You know what's really fucking awesome? When an "Executive Assistant" who is very careful to always let everyone know how above them she is because of this title (which means nothing, other people are assistants to executives, they just don't care about titles here - but she insisted on this being hers I believe) never has anything to do because she's so bad at her job that people don't trust her and give her work to everyone else.

Her response to this is not to be proactive and ask for work or, I don't know, do a better job, which I guess is just beyond her. Her response is to mope and feel sorry for herself and complain about how she doesn't understand why no one will give her any work.

When they finally figure out how totally crappy she is at her job and fire her, do they send her away same-day as most places do every place I've ever worked? No, they give her FOUR MONTHS to find a new job and tell her that she can take time off to interview, or more specifically, she can come and go "as she pleases". Meanwhile, all the rest of us are still doing her work, she continues to get paid significantly more than all of us, and she works about 20 hours a week. I'm also quite sure she'll be milking every second of those four months.

AWESOME.

Seems to me if you can't trust you can't be trusted

News bulletin: Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean that now you "can't trust" anything else they do. I've heard this from you innumerable times about other people in the office and I assume you'd say the same thing about me if I weren't around as well. It's very paranoid and off-putting.

Mini Donuts at 4:43

And so my day has driven me to this. Little Debbie Powdered Donuts at my desk at the end of the day.

Yesterday sucked ass but I tried to start today on a positive note. I slept in a bit, till the last second at home, thinking this would make me more rested and pleasant. I had a perfectly fine walk to work.

But then I walked in the door and it all started going wrong. My neighbor, printer nazi, was being ANNOYING AS HELL. My boss called me in a pissy mood about filing not being done. The same filing he keeps telling me he's going to set aside time for us to do together. That never happens. I can't finish the filing because most of it is an unrecognizable pile of crap and I can't tell just by looking where he wants any of it to go. He doesn't exactly have a very organized filing system. He doesn't have standard folders or divisions that he uses so it's very haphazard. Sometimes when he puts something out to be filed there's no way to tell if it's the original that goes in the main office files or a copy he wants in "his" files in his office. So there's a stack of that waiting. I noticed the note on it today, which I had written a while ago, telling him he needed to help me with the rest of it. The date on the note was 7/26. Um, yeah.

I had a little project to do involving calling some local municipal offices to find out rates for various utilities next year. Some fucking asshole in the office, I have my suspicions of exactly who, had updated the spreadsheet I'm supposed to update (note: it specifically has my name there as the person responsible for these particular figures) with notes that made no sense and were probably based on nothing and confused the hell out of everyone.

I didn't have enough caffeine today so I had a pounding headache most of the afternoon. That's finally subsiding now that I broke down and got a diet dr. pepper. To go with my mini donuts naturally.

And lastly, the thing we were supposed to take care of "first thing" this morning still has not been addressed and now my boss is promising to "take care of it" when he gets back, around 5:30. Hopefully more like 5:45 when I'll be gone. He can take care of it himself.

Jesus.

Not puttin' up with crap

So some people in my office like to not tell me and other admin sorts when important things happen and then we get broadsided. We don't appreciate this and often make it known to others. Here is a pretty funny little conversation that just happened:

Other Admin: "Um, did you know so-and-so was moving out and possibly shutting off their phone lines tomorrow?"
Me: "Um, NO. Why the fuck doesn't anyone tell us these things?"
OA: "I don't have any idea. Anyway, X is on the phone if you want to talk to him about it." (X is our on-site person at this building. It's not his job to tell us this stuff, it's the property manager's job or the leasing guy.)

Me: "Hi, X. So what's going on?"
X: "Well so-and-so is moving out and my contact there is already gone but he told me he wasn't going to have the phone lines shut off but I'm not sure now."
Me: "Well it would be nice if certain other people told us these things."
X: "Well I'm sure the other people are busy."
Me: "Yeah well, aren't we all? Too bad, not an excuse."
X: "Wow! I love you girls! You don't take any crap!"

That's right, bitches. Do you hear that, certain other people?

Proofreading

Um, a crazy crazy lady in my office about whom I really need to tell a lot of stories, has left a list of the duties the woman covering for her in her absence (while on vacation) should be performing.

Among these duties, "Proof read".

Maybe she should have proofread her own note since it's one word, not two.

Oh my fucking God, T-Mobile sucks

Why T-Mobile sucks

(details removed only to protect my anonymity, not the idiots involved)

Email exchange #1:

From: C-----, K------- [mailto:K-------.C-----@T-Mobile.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 11:59 AM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: Re: Client Access License

I am sorry I thought I had sent the info already. I will be back in the office in an hour I will send at that time.

K------- C-----
Business Account Executive

T-Mobile USA, Inc.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ms. Anonymous
To: K------- C-----
Sent: Wed Apr 18 08:46:31 2007
Subject: Client Access License

If I have this email address correct I spoke to you last week about needing an additional client access license for our company account. You were going to email me, but I never heard from you. Please let me know if you have received this email. I needed to let you know whether we have a full enterprise version or a small business version of the enterprise server for Blackberry.

Thanks.

Ms. Anonymous

Email exchange #2:

From: C-----, K------- [mailto:K-------.C-----@T-Mobile.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:54 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: RE: Client Access License

Here is the contact person from RIM to purchase the licenses. I currently have no way of telling if your BES is the small business edition or not.

T-- S--------
BlackBerry Sales & Service Team Leader
ts--------@rim.com

Please contact me with any questions.

Thank you,
K-------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ms. Anonymous
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 11:59 AM
To: C-----, K-------
Subject: RE: Client Access License

It's possible that if you did our spam filter never let me get your email. I'll look for another one from you in a while. If I don't receive it I'll let you know. Thanks.

Ms. Anonymous

Email exchange #3:

From: C-----, K------- [mailto:K-------.C-----@T-Mobile.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 1:14 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: RE: Client Access License

That is actually the information on your TSupport through RIM. You should contact them with this information as they should be able to let you know what type if BES you currently are running. Their website is www.blackberry.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ms. Anonymous
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:54 PM
To: C-----, K-------
Subject: RE: Client Access License

K------- - I got this info about our software from someone in my office - does this tell you if we have the small business edition or not?

Customer Name: Anonymous Company
TSupport Subscription Number: 1234567
TSupport Level: Tx1
BlackBerry Enterprise Server SRP Id(s) Covered: S12345678

Email exchange #4:

From: T-- S-------- [mailto:ts--------@rim.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:40 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: RE: Client access license

Hello Ms. Anonymous,

When the BES was first purchased, it was a small business BES. When you signed up for support in 2005, you had 8 devices which still meant that you had a small business BES. However, the only way of finding out for sure is if you could tell me how many licenses you currently have. If you have 14 or less, you still have the small business BES. If you have 20 or more, you have the Enterprise BES.

Thanks,
T--

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ms. Anonymous
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:23 PM
To: T-- S--------
Subject: Client access license

Hi, T--.

I'm trying to find out whether my company has a small business or full edition of enterprise server because we need to purchase an additional client access license for a new blackberry device we have added.

T-Mobile is telling me I need to ask you as they can't tell from the information I've given them.

I got the following info from an administrator in my office - can you tell what version of the server we are running?

Customer Name: Anonymous Company
TSupport Subscription Number: 1234567
TSupport Level: Tx1
BlackBerry Enterprise Server SRP Id(s) Covered: S12345678

Please let me know. Thanks.

Ms. Anonymous

Email exchange #5:

From: T-- S-------- [mailto:ts--------@rim.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:56 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: RE: Client access license

K, you’re small business then.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ms. Anonymous
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:44 PM
To: T-- S--------
Subject: RE: Client access license

OK, thanks. I don't believe we have close to 14. I think we have 10-11 at the most

.

Email exchange #6:

From: C-----, K------- [mailto:K-------.C-----@T-Mobile.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:57 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: Re: Client Access License

Contact T-- S--------. I sent you his info earlier.

K------- C-----
Business Account Executive

T-Mobile USA, Inc.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ms. Anonymous
To: C-----, K-------
Sent: Wed Apr 18 11:44:14 2007
Subject: RE: Client Access License

K-------, we have the small business edition. What do I need to do to get the client access license?

Email exchange #7:

From: T-- S-------- [mailto:ts--------@rim.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:05 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: RE: Client access license

You can order it from T-Mobile or call my sales team at 1-800-327-9085 to order.

Thanks,


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ms. Anonymous
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:02 PM
To: T-- S--------
Subject: RE: Client access license

OK, so how do I get the client access license now?

Ms. Anonymous

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: T-- S-------- [mailto:ts--------@rim.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 2:56 PM
To: Ms. Anonymous
Subject: RE: Client access license

K, you’re small business then.

And finally, my most recent email, which has yet to get a response:

From: Ms. Anonymous
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:06 PM
To: C-----, K-------
Subject: RE: Client Access License

K-------,

Tim just told me to get it from T-Mobile, or that I could contact his sales team.

I thought all you needed was to know what version of the software we had and then you could give me a license? Please help me get this done, I've been trying to set this up for weeks now literally. I have a new employee who can't use his Blackberry.

What normally happens if I go to a T-Mobile store and buy a Blackberry? Doesn't someone give me everything I need to use it?

It seems like every time I contact someone they just point me to another department or another vendor.

I would appreciate you telling me definitely exactly what I need to do and I'd prefer to just go through T-Mobile if that's possible so I don't have multiple people and companies to deal with.

Thanks.

Ms. Anonymous

Under the bus throw diverted, Printer Nazi

Oh, I saw you try to throw me under the bus. But I didn't let you, Printer Nazi.

When my boss came to my desk and informed me that according to you somebody was waiting for something for 3 months from me, you'll notice that I didn't immediately tattle on you for the GIANT LIE you told. (Because what actually happened is you just recently mentioned this to me for the first time and while said person may have been waiting for these items from our office for 3 months, I have in fact only known about it for a couple of weeks.)

Instead, what I did was calmly forward him the email you sent to me and several other people, any of whom potentially has just as much or more responsibility for said tasks than I do (including my boss), and I noted that that email was the first time I heard about it but that I had forgotten to touch base with him about it and that I would take care of it right away.

Me = 1
You = 0

Eat it bitch.

Don't judge me, ass-face

Hey Mr. Judgement. Guess what? When I sent out an email asking if anyone had seen something that was missing from where I last saw it, it was very nice of you to bring it to me. Do you know what made it less nice, and in fact, completely canceled out any smidgen of niceness? Your rude, "It looked like crap, I almost threw it out," comment, accompanied by your grouchy frown and the look on your face that seemed to imply you were passing some kind of judgment on my soul.

Guess what fucking genius? I'm not the one who left it in that state, somebody else did. I was just trying to find it and put it where it belongs. So you can stop with your petulant huffing and puffing.

Go pull the gigantic stick out of your ass. Seriously.

Printer Nazi, take a fucking chill pill

Random printer user, just now: "Hey, just so you know, the printer is warning you it's low on toner."
Me: "Yes, I know. It says less than 1700 pages left, right?"
User: "Yep."
Printer Nazi: (chimes in) "Yes, it's been saying that for a long time. At some point it's actually going to start having trouble printing."

At which point my head exploded.

Printer Nazi, please, please, calm down. We already have replacement toner. When we run out, I will replace it. I'm not replacing it before that because it's a waste. As I said before, if you're so concerned, please feel free to change it yourself at any time.

Holy crap, you're insane. Get something more important to worry about, please.

1700 pages a day is a lot

Please, printer nazi, realize that your 35 pages of printing along with my 10 pages of printing per day does not amount to 1700 pages.

I don't need you to read me the warning on the printer about how there are less than 1700 pages worth of toner left. I don't need you to make ludicrous comments such as, "We go through 1700 pages a day, easy." They will not make me change the cartridge any faster.

I will change it when we actually run out. If you'd like to take care of it sooner, help yourself. Try not to break it. If you do, don't cry to me.

You're not special, HP 2300, all printers hate me

I'm not an idiot. Really. I have been using computers almost my whole life. I've been doing office work on them since 1995. I really do know how to set up documents and select printing preferences.

So why is it that when I am printing labels, and I set the document properties to print from the manual tray on the printer, then I set the printer default to manual tray and then I set the printing option to manual tray, it goes right ahead and prints from the internal tray onto regular paper?

Why? Because printers hate me. Variations of this include printers that group instead of collating despite a preference that is selected otherwise and printers that jam if you actually put paper in the manual tray before printing, but work OK if you wait till it complains that it doesn't have any, then carefully feed it in one sheet at a time.

I think somebody at HP needs to work on their printer drivers.

Duh

Our server was upgraded at work over the weekend.

Somehow in the process, the genius(es) responsible didn't buy enough licenses for the number of clients connecting to the server.

As my friend at work said, "NICE. With a capital DUH."

Mind your beeswax

Conversation this morning:

Old Biddy: "Just keep getting lower and lower, huh?" (looking at my sweater)
Me: (astonished) What are you talking about? This is a tank top. (Pointing to the tank top I'm wearing under the sweater, thinking maybe she's so insane she thinks my bra is peeking out)
Old Biddy: Laughs indulgently, walks away.

Did she just call me the office whore? Did she just comment that my tops were getting lower and lower cut as if I was skanking it up?

What the fucking fuck? Seriously, I'm sorry, should I also make sure my elbows, knees and ankles are covered at all times? I wouldn't want to drive the menfolk mad with lust.

Holy fucking Christ you are totally out of your mind.

Things that are not my fault, for the record

1. That my cellphone didn't ring when you called it, though it was sitting on my hip with a full signal.

2. That one of the owners of the company is up your ass today.

3. That someone else who works for you didn't do something you expected them to do a week and a half ago.

Therefore, please do not take your frustrations out by being rude and snippy with me.

Thanks.

Mail is hell

You know what shouldn't take an entire fucking afternoon? Opening and stamping received stamps on one day's mail. That's right my friends. One day.

It's wrong. Very very wrong.