Classified ad for my job

 From a very sweet friend in my office. Unfortunately this is 100% true.

This is what an ad would look like for your job:

Must be able to lift a minimum of 200lbs as you will be responsible for moving around all office furniture (specifically when panic ensues and filing cabinets, desks, chairs and other non-essential crap needs to be relocated for no reason at all in five minutes and then moved again the following week and 4 more times in a month). You will be solely responsible for every employee's phone (which they will either break or never know how to use) and therefore must be well versed in dealing with annoying, useless, non-english speaking customer service reps who will actually never help you. Ideally, you will have several years of HR experience because for some nonsensical reason we decided you will be the point person for every employee's irritating questions, comments, complaints, health/dental issues and other dumb requests that you will frankly, not care about. Waiter/waitress experience a bonus as we will frequently require you to provide very "busy" (lazy) employees with their meals. Extensive computer knowledge is a plus as you will act as the IT company even though we actually have an IT company that we overpay tremendously. You will be expected to be on-call 24/7 to "put out fires" and answer random questions that aren't actually valid questions at all because the person asking them already knows the answer and just wants to bother you and make you angry because they are ridiculous. Lastly, you should be able to perform administrative tasks and be ok with being severely underpaid and unrecognized for your continued effort and loyalty.