Under the bus throw diverted, Printer Nazi

Oh, I saw you try to throw me under the bus. But I didn't let you, Printer Nazi.

When my boss came to my desk and informed me that according to you somebody was waiting for something for 3 months from me, you'll notice that I didn't immediately tattle on you for the GIANT LIE you told. (Because what actually happened is you just recently mentioned this to me for the first time and while said person may have been waiting for these items from our office for 3 months, I have in fact only known about it for a couple of weeks.)

Instead, what I did was calmly forward him the email you sent to me and several other people, any of whom potentially has just as much or more responsibility for said tasks than I do (including my boss), and I noted that that email was the first time I heard about it but that I had forgotten to touch base with him about it and that I would take care of it right away.

Me = 1
You = 0

Eat it bitch.

Don't judge me, ass-face

Hey Mr. Judgement. Guess what? When I sent out an email asking if anyone had seen something that was missing from where I last saw it, it was very nice of you to bring it to me. Do you know what made it less nice, and in fact, completely canceled out any smidgen of niceness? Your rude, "It looked like crap, I almost threw it out," comment, accompanied by your grouchy frown and the look on your face that seemed to imply you were passing some kind of judgment on my soul.

Guess what fucking genius? I'm not the one who left it in that state, somebody else did. I was just trying to find it and put it where it belongs. So you can stop with your petulant huffing and puffing.

Go pull the gigantic stick out of your ass. Seriously.

Printer Nazi, take a fucking chill pill

Random printer user, just now: "Hey, just so you know, the printer is warning you it's low on toner."
Me: "Yes, I know. It says less than 1700 pages left, right?"
User: "Yep."
Printer Nazi: (chimes in) "Yes, it's been saying that for a long time. At some point it's actually going to start having trouble printing."

At which point my head exploded.

Printer Nazi, please, please, calm down. We already have replacement toner. When we run out, I will replace it. I'm not replacing it before that because it's a waste. As I said before, if you're so concerned, please feel free to change it yourself at any time.

Holy crap, you're insane. Get something more important to worry about, please.

1700 pages a day is a lot

Please, printer nazi, realize that your 35 pages of printing along with my 10 pages of printing per day does not amount to 1700 pages.

I don't need you to read me the warning on the printer about how there are less than 1700 pages worth of toner left. I don't need you to make ludicrous comments such as, "We go through 1700 pages a day, easy." They will not make me change the cartridge any faster.

I will change it when we actually run out. If you'd like to take care of it sooner, help yourself. Try not to break it. If you do, don't cry to me.

You're not special, HP 2300, all printers hate me

I'm not an idiot. Really. I have been using computers almost my whole life. I've been doing office work on them since 1995. I really do know how to set up documents and select printing preferences.

So why is it that when I am printing labels, and I set the document properties to print from the manual tray on the printer, then I set the printer default to manual tray and then I set the printing option to manual tray, it goes right ahead and prints from the internal tray onto regular paper?

Why? Because printers hate me. Variations of this include printers that group instead of collating despite a preference that is selected otherwise and printers that jam if you actually put paper in the manual tray before printing, but work OK if you wait till it complains that it doesn't have any, then carefully feed it in one sheet at a time.

I think somebody at HP needs to work on their printer drivers.

Duh

Our server was upgraded at work over the weekend.

Somehow in the process, the genius(es) responsible didn't buy enough licenses for the number of clients connecting to the server.

As my friend at work said, "NICE. With a capital DUH."

Mind your beeswax

Conversation this morning:

Old Biddy: "Just keep getting lower and lower, huh?" (looking at my sweater)
Me: (astonished) What are you talking about? This is a tank top. (Pointing to the tank top I'm wearing under the sweater, thinking maybe she's so insane she thinks my bra is peeking out)
Old Biddy: Laughs indulgently, walks away.

Did she just call me the office whore? Did she just comment that my tops were getting lower and lower cut as if I was skanking it up?

What the fucking fuck? Seriously, I'm sorry, should I also make sure my elbows, knees and ankles are covered at all times? I wouldn't want to drive the menfolk mad with lust.

Holy fucking Christ you are totally out of your mind.

Things that are not my fault, for the record

1. That my cellphone didn't ring when you called it, though it was sitting on my hip with a full signal.

2. That one of the owners of the company is up your ass today.

3. That someone else who works for you didn't do something you expected them to do a week and a half ago.

Therefore, please do not take your frustrations out by being rude and snippy with me.

Thanks.

Mail is hell

You know what shouldn't take an entire fucking afternoon? Opening and stamping received stamps on one day's mail. That's right my friends. One day.

It's wrong. Very very wrong.

Um, yeah

You know what's fun about the holiday season? Being released early with no warning, where everyone else leaves immediately but I still have too much shit to do to leave. And I can't put it off till Tuesday when the office is open again, because people will be back from vacation and expecting things on their desks from me. Awesome.

Hey, people, maybe I manage my time. Maybe I plan to spend the afternoon doing things. Maybe if we're closing early you could tell us all at, say, 9am, and then I would maybe do something like skip lunch to get my work done.

Thanks for nothing, I'll be here till normal time you bastards.

Happy new year.

Fucking rude

Guess what's the most annoying thing about covering reception? See below.

You know what? You can wait till I fucking finish greeting you when I answer the phone before you announce in a condescending way who it is you'd like to talk to. I don't care how big a bug or stick you have shoved up your anus, you can FUCKING BE POLITE.

Why do people like this get by in the world? It is not beneath you to speak with the receptionist. In fact, if you had any fucking brains in your head, you would realize that maybe the best thing to do is to be POLITE, even EXCEEDINGLY POLITE to the receptionist. Because if she doesn't put you through, you're not speaking to anyone, you fucking ass.

As evidenced by a friend of mine who was treated so rudely she stopped putting a particular caller through. He never ever got to talk to who he wanted again. Oops, ass-face. He was a vendor too - his money came from that company. How stupid are people? Answer: Pretty fucking goddamn stupid.

Email

To quote Y, holy of holies.

Can someone please address the fact that our email database should not be constantly crashing? Can we please address the fact that we're not a two-bit operation, but an actual "real" company, and we should probably, you know, have working technology?

Can we talk about the fact that people shouldn't be "archiving" their email to their local hard drives when those machines are not backed up? I mean seriously, people. Can we have this discussion?

For God's sake.

Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining

Well that post title might un-anonymize me if some people who know me see it, but it's so perfect it has to be used.

Marriott hotel reservationist - can you please not tell me that something that I have done literally 20 times or so is not possible and insinuate that it never has been? I am not an idiot, but apparently you are.

Every other time I have called your hotel in the last year to make a reservation for my boss, they have easily pulled up is information as he stays in your hotel frequently, and have been able to access his rewards number and his credit card.

Why is it that today this is something that the reservation department apparently has no access to? They don't "save it that way". Yes, of course, why would the reservation department have access to prior reservations? That makes no sense at all.

Let people do their jobs!

Oh my God. Could CEOs and Presidents and Boards of Directors and Owners and whomever else is running companies out there please please let the people that are working for them do their jobs?

Could they please trust their senior management to make decisions without micromanaging everything to death?

Could they please let their managers in multi-million dollar corporations spend a couple thousand dollars?

oh my fucking God.

Unrelated to work, but...

You know what's awesome? Going back on The Pill after being off of it for a year or so, and getting that fun "morning sickness" at the beginning of the process since the hormones fuck you up and make your body think it's pregnant.

Yeah, I'm not into the morning sickness, thank you very much. SIGH.

MYOB!

Oh my God, sometimes it's just none of your business, Gossip Monger! I am not obligated to answer personal questions about my boss and his family! But worse, I can't believe you feel entitled to stand there and ask, and to hover when you don't think I gave you enough info (because I didn't really give you any).

Really, what's wrong with you? I'd like to know. So I can avoid it myself.

Don't give me that look

Please do not look at me like that.

I am so sorry for you that it is an inconvenient time for me to be standing over the copier making roughly 60 million copies. What a terrible tragedy. It is a shame that you might have to:

a. Wait ten minutes
b. Walk 50 feet to the other copier

Really, it's too bad.

But let me assure you that I am not doing it to spite you or as some sort of sick plan to convince you to never use the copier again. And I am certainly not doing it out of sheer delight.

So, if you give me that look again, I don't think I'll be responsible for my actions. Are we clear?

Try putting the shoe on the other foot for 2 seconds, genius

Someone in the office just told me that they heard there was some software that lets you convert pdf files into something that you can edit in Word. They were all excited about it.

First of all, I don't know if I believe this.

But secondly, is it really possible that you're so short-sighted that you are happy this exists now because it could be useful to you in a particular circumstance, while being oblivious to the fact that we use pdf files all the time when we want to send out documents that people can't edit? And therefore it would actually be a problem for us if this were true?

DUH.

Guess how many is too many?

Hey, crazy cubicle neighbor. Guess how many times is too many times to hear you talk about "Question X" on the ballot tomorrow?

Well, let's see... I've heard you talk about it 3 times so far, so that's 3 times too many.

Getting the picture?

Please try to control yourself. Nobody is interested in your opinion. I PROMISE.

Oh my God please don't talk politics at work

Really, don't we all know this by now? I mean if you have a good friend at work I guess, sure. But randomly questioning people about "how are you going to vote on question X?" NOT APPROPRIATE!

Yes, I'm talking to you, printer nazi.

I briefly considered jamming pens in my ears (as has previously been alluded to) so I wouldn't have to hear your conversation. Thankfully it was mercifully short.

But honestly, nobody needed to hear it.

I think my brain was bleeding a little bit after.