Duh

Our server was upgraded at work over the weekend.

Somehow in the process, the genius(es) responsible didn't buy enough licenses for the number of clients connecting to the server.

As my friend at work said, "NICE. With a capital DUH."

Mind your beeswax

Conversation this morning:

Old Biddy: "Just keep getting lower and lower, huh?" (looking at my sweater)
Me: (astonished) What are you talking about? This is a tank top. (Pointing to the tank top I'm wearing under the sweater, thinking maybe she's so insane she thinks my bra is peeking out)
Old Biddy: Laughs indulgently, walks away.

Did she just call me the office whore? Did she just comment that my tops were getting lower and lower cut as if I was skanking it up?

What the fucking fuck? Seriously, I'm sorry, should I also make sure my elbows, knees and ankles are covered at all times? I wouldn't want to drive the menfolk mad with lust.

Holy fucking Christ you are totally out of your mind.

Things that are not my fault, for the record

1. That my cellphone didn't ring when you called it, though it was sitting on my hip with a full signal.

2. That one of the owners of the company is up your ass today.

3. That someone else who works for you didn't do something you expected them to do a week and a half ago.

Therefore, please do not take your frustrations out by being rude and snippy with me.

Thanks.

Mail is hell

You know what shouldn't take an entire fucking afternoon? Opening and stamping received stamps on one day's mail. That's right my friends. One day.

It's wrong. Very very wrong.

Um, yeah

You know what's fun about the holiday season? Being released early with no warning, where everyone else leaves immediately but I still have too much shit to do to leave. And I can't put it off till Tuesday when the office is open again, because people will be back from vacation and expecting things on their desks from me. Awesome.

Hey, people, maybe I manage my time. Maybe I plan to spend the afternoon doing things. Maybe if we're closing early you could tell us all at, say, 9am, and then I would maybe do something like skip lunch to get my work done.

Thanks for nothing, I'll be here till normal time you bastards.

Happy new year.

Fucking rude

Guess what's the most annoying thing about covering reception? See below.

You know what? You can wait till I fucking finish greeting you when I answer the phone before you announce in a condescending way who it is you'd like to talk to. I don't care how big a bug or stick you have shoved up your anus, you can FUCKING BE POLITE.

Why do people like this get by in the world? It is not beneath you to speak with the receptionist. In fact, if you had any fucking brains in your head, you would realize that maybe the best thing to do is to be POLITE, even EXCEEDINGLY POLITE to the receptionist. Because if she doesn't put you through, you're not speaking to anyone, you fucking ass.

As evidenced by a friend of mine who was treated so rudely she stopped putting a particular caller through. He never ever got to talk to who he wanted again. Oops, ass-face. He was a vendor too - his money came from that company. How stupid are people? Answer: Pretty fucking goddamn stupid.

Email

To quote Y, holy of holies.

Can someone please address the fact that our email database should not be constantly crashing? Can we please address the fact that we're not a two-bit operation, but an actual "real" company, and we should probably, you know, have working technology?

Can we talk about the fact that people shouldn't be "archiving" their email to their local hard drives when those machines are not backed up? I mean seriously, people. Can we have this discussion?

For God's sake.

Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining

Well that post title might un-anonymize me if some people who know me see it, but it's so perfect it has to be used.

Marriott hotel reservationist - can you please not tell me that something that I have done literally 20 times or so is not possible and insinuate that it never has been? I am not an idiot, but apparently you are.

Every other time I have called your hotel in the last year to make a reservation for my boss, they have easily pulled up is information as he stays in your hotel frequently, and have been able to access his rewards number and his credit card.

Why is it that today this is something that the reservation department apparently has no access to? They don't "save it that way". Yes, of course, why would the reservation department have access to prior reservations? That makes no sense at all.

Let people do their jobs!

Oh my God. Could CEOs and Presidents and Boards of Directors and Owners and whomever else is running companies out there please please let the people that are working for them do their jobs?

Could they please trust their senior management to make decisions without micromanaging everything to death?

Could they please let their managers in multi-million dollar corporations spend a couple thousand dollars?

oh my fucking God.

Unrelated to work, but...

You know what's awesome? Going back on The Pill after being off of it for a year or so, and getting that fun "morning sickness" at the beginning of the process since the hormones fuck you up and make your body think it's pregnant.

Yeah, I'm not into the morning sickness, thank you very much. SIGH.

MYOB!

Oh my God, sometimes it's just none of your business, Gossip Monger! I am not obligated to answer personal questions about my boss and his family! But worse, I can't believe you feel entitled to stand there and ask, and to hover when you don't think I gave you enough info (because I didn't really give you any).

Really, what's wrong with you? I'd like to know. So I can avoid it myself.

Don't give me that look

Please do not look at me like that.

I am so sorry for you that it is an inconvenient time for me to be standing over the copier making roughly 60 million copies. What a terrible tragedy. It is a shame that you might have to:

a. Wait ten minutes
b. Walk 50 feet to the other copier

Really, it's too bad.

But let me assure you that I am not doing it to spite you or as some sort of sick plan to convince you to never use the copier again. And I am certainly not doing it out of sheer delight.

So, if you give me that look again, I don't think I'll be responsible for my actions. Are we clear?

Try putting the shoe on the other foot for 2 seconds, genius

Someone in the office just told me that they heard there was some software that lets you convert pdf files into something that you can edit in Word. They were all excited about it.

First of all, I don't know if I believe this.

But secondly, is it really possible that you're so short-sighted that you are happy this exists now because it could be useful to you in a particular circumstance, while being oblivious to the fact that we use pdf files all the time when we want to send out documents that people can't edit? And therefore it would actually be a problem for us if this were true?

DUH.

Guess how many is too many?

Hey, crazy cubicle neighbor. Guess how many times is too many times to hear you talk about "Question X" on the ballot tomorrow?

Well, let's see... I've heard you talk about it 3 times so far, so that's 3 times too many.

Getting the picture?

Please try to control yourself. Nobody is interested in your opinion. I PROMISE.

Oh my God please don't talk politics at work

Really, don't we all know this by now? I mean if you have a good friend at work I guess, sure. But randomly questioning people about "how are you going to vote on question X?" NOT APPROPRIATE!

Yes, I'm talking to you, printer nazi.

I briefly considered jamming pens in my ears (as has previously been alluded to) so I wouldn't have to hear your conversation. Thankfully it was mercifully short.

But honestly, nobody needed to hear it.

I think my brain was bleeding a little bit after.

On business

Meaning busy-ness, not business as in "I'm a Business major".

Anyway, work has been super crazy lately, so sorry to be neglecting this blog. There's a big project finishing up or getting close to it, and everyone's been nuts. The good part is, I've been working more exclusively with my boss and another couple of people that are good to work with. The downside is I feel like I'm running from one thing to another constantly. It's not really that bad but I feel beat at the end of the day.

As soon as I have something else to bitch about, I'm sure it will be right here in a heartbeat. :)

No, you can't edit a pdf

Well, technically, someone can. But you, my cubicle neighbor, cannot get a pdf from someone in an email and, say, open it in Word and edit it.

You may remember that this is the 137th time that I have answered this question for you. And you may notice that it's the same answer.

Interesting. Perhaps you can draw a conclusion from this.

Oh no you DIDN'T

I know I did not just hear you, little old biddy, say to your friend, little old biddy #2, "well, it's almost time for 3-hour lunch" about me.

Oh my god, old lady heads are going to roll today.

#1. I don't take 3 hour lunches you stupid old hag, I take a 1 hour lunch. This is AFTER I cover for someone else's 1 hour lunch. 1 hour + 1 hour = 2 hours. However, you'll notice that for the first hour I am sitting at reception doing work, not out having a martini with my pals.

#2. Oh my God it's none of your fucking business anyway! I'm here longer than you every day! I do about 100 times more things than you! You do half of a job and complain about how busy you are all the time, you and old biddy #2. You are clearly both FUCKING INSANE. I know you have nothing better to do with your time but for the love of all that is decent try to keep your fucking mouth SHUT.

The hell of cubicle life

You know what's really annoying? Overhearing conversations from everyone around you. You know what's actually almost painful? When those conversations are so misinformed or ignorant or gossipy that you wish you could really have the courage to pick up the nearest 2 pens and jam them far enough into your ears to rupture your eardrums.

The current topic of conversation? The small plane that just crashed into a high-rise on the upper east side of NYC. Speculation abounds.

Keep the pens away from me people.

Nobody cares who you're related to!

Oh my God, nobody cares what musician you're somewhat distantly related to. It doesn't make you cooler. In fact, it makes said musician a little less cool. But I'll try not to hold her accountable. She can't help who her parents are.

For pete's sake, stop talking about it.