Classified ad for my job

 From a very sweet friend in my office. Unfortunately this is 100% true.

This is what an ad would look like for your job:

Must be able to lift a minimum of 200lbs as you will be responsible for moving around all office furniture (specifically when panic ensues and filing cabinets, desks, chairs and other non-essential crap needs to be relocated for no reason at all in five minutes and then moved again the following week and 4 more times in a month). You will be solely responsible for every employee's phone (which they will either break or never know how to use) and therefore must be well versed in dealing with annoying, useless, non-english speaking customer service reps who will actually never help you. Ideally, you will have several years of HR experience because for some nonsensical reason we decided you will be the point person for every employee's irritating questions, comments, complaints, health/dental issues and other dumb requests that you will frankly, not care about. Waiter/waitress experience a bonus as we will frequently require you to provide very "busy" (lazy) employees with their meals. Extensive computer knowledge is a plus as you will act as the IT company even though we actually have an IT company that we overpay tremendously. You will be expected to be on-call 24/7 to "put out fires" and answer random questions that aren't actually valid questions at all because the person asking them already knows the answer and just wants to bother you and make you angry because they are ridiculous. Lastly, you should be able to perform administrative tasks and be ok with being severely underpaid and unrecognized for your continued effort and loyalty.

DEAR FUCKING ASSHOLE BOSS

1. I actually can't read your mind. Notice to every boss forever, from now until the end of time: your assistant can never read your mind. Never.
2. You are annoyed that you have to deal with crises at work on your vacation. I have three suggestions for you: (1) shut up because you make 6x what I do so I don't care (2) actually try to take a vacation by, say, not answering your work phone (3) let people do their jobs without micro managing everything
3. The fact that you are annoyed because you have to work on your vacation is not an excuse to treat me like a child, yell at me, act like I'm a fucking idiot (when you are the idiot for not explaining yourself) or generally be a dick.

 You are an incredible asshole. I hope that I get the chance to tell you this someday. Of course, you won't take it well so I probably won't even bother doing it face to face. You think you are fantastic manager but you are actually the worst manager I have ever worked with, ever. You don't trust anyone to do their jobs, which means no one trusts themselves to do anything without checking with you on everything, which means they actually can't be trusted to do their jobs, which comes back full circle and lays the blame at your feet entirely.

You don't explain yourself well most of the time, expect that everyone always be automatically thinking about whatever you are thinking about, cut people off before they can finish talking, in many cases depriving yourself of the very information you are asking them for. You are impatient and paranoid. You take everything personally.

You, in other words, are WRONG. Just about as completely wrong as anyone could ever be.

So, thanks for starting my Friday off with a bang. I'm not answering my phone the next time you call, so you will just have to cool your heels.

Fuck you. Seriously.